crying again.

i totally feel worst right now.

feels like i was nothing.

i feel so lost.

feel so bad.

feel so unwanted.

feel so that i better not to be born.

i was wrong. i totally knew it.

but i also think that was not my fault only.

from all that she said, i know that she feels better to have her, than me.

she missed her. but never me.

she's caring. she's responsible. she's great.

i've learnt about phychology lately. so that, i felt that was not my fault only.

did she ever think about my childhood? when she never besides me when i need her.

did she ever concern about me psychologically? she always talk about her, over and over again.

did she ever think i just need her. need someone to really hold me tight when im down. i don't need her words which make me feel so drowned. so down.

did she know that everyone's different? nobody' same.

although she wants me to be better, right, that's never wrong. but, the way she told me, it really makes me that im not precious. like im worst that everything. yeah, it really sucks.

she told me that i've been influenced by my friend. maybe she's right. but not totally right.

actually, im just hoping once. just once. that i can feel like the others.

cuz i never ask it before..

i never !

she always told that they always give us what we want. but honestly, i never think they did it well. 

yeah, she hurts me. again and again.

yeah, she made me cry. again and again.

this damn conversation makes me lost my mood.

i can't study for my next exam.

cuz all i have to do is cry.

oh God,.

i do feel that i better not to be born.

it's like im waiting my whole life.

menunggu itu membosankan.

menunggu itu menyebalkan.

menunggu itu melelahkan.

menunggu itu menyakitkan.

karna itu gw BENCI  menunggu.

dr dulu smp sekarang. im just waiting.

walopun sebenernya hal2 kecil, muak juga kan lama2. haaaah ~

hari ini. 14 januari 2009.

plan : nonton.

result : batal.

mood : kacau.

pengalaman gw : gga bae numpuk kekesalan ato kemarahan, cuz kl ntar udh out of limit, bisa berabe !

that's what happen today. seems like i blew it all away. haiss !

gw marah (lebih tepatnya kesal, dongkol, jengkel..) !

kadang (lebih tepatnya sering !) gw bertanya ma diri gw sendiri.

apa gw terlalu banyak nuntut ? *cuz selama ni gw cuma nuntut perhatian. ga lebih.

apa gw terlalu lembek, krn nerima smwa tanpa banyak tanya ? *krn (balik lagi ke) sifat gw yg (sok) mati2an ngejaga perasaan org laen, walopun itu bkin gw amat sangat tidak nyaman ! dan honestly, ini susah banget di-ubah. brengsek emang !!

apa gw bakalan dgn mudah ditipu, dsakiti, dkhianati krn sikap 'nrimo' gw itu ? *bukan cinta namanya kl lo ga takut kehilangan sesuatu/seseorang yg lo sayang..

apa gw udh cukup baik ? *gw selalu berusaha jadi yg terbaik, tp kadang gw ngerasa gw ga (akan) pernah cukup baik buwat dia ato siapapun..

apa ungkapan 'loves the way you are' itu bener2 bs dilakoni ? *krn smwa org selalu dtuntut buwad jadi lebih baik. gga salah emg. tp kl gitu apa arti ungkapan itu ?

act as im fine when im not.

surely it's tiring.

gw kangen masa itu !

gw liat foto yg di-upload kiki !

anjridd ! gw jadi kangen banget masa ituuuuu ! huhu.

ssi kiki minta upload-in foto2 DN kalo ada.

tapi yaa itu, butuh scanner.

dan gw gga punya scanner ! parah kan ?

ugh !


ngeliatin foto2 pas tur ke puncak.

foto2 jaman di DN.

anjridd. bener2 bkin gw pengen balik ke masa itu !


apalagi pas liat foto cebur2an ke kolam renang villa nya azza.
si njeah ama intan udh kayak lil doggy yg kedinginan *hehe.

trus ada foto di air terjun di daerah ap tuh namanya gw lupa :D
ada ci...ci nya gitu dde..
cibodas !! *halah. gitu aj susah banget ingetnya. eh, bener ga sih ? :D
secara Qt ga boleh kesana, tapi tetep aj ngabur ke sana.

yang ganti baju dalem bus lah.
yang saling jorokin ke kolam di subuh2 buta lah.

foto pas perpisahan terap jg banyak nih.
hiks. i want it back now !

am i betrayed?

dramatis banget judulnya! hehe.

kadang gw mikir.

apa gw terlalu lembek ya? kl iya, ap karna itu gw bakal dgn mudah dbohongi atopun dikhianati ? (menye banget sehh!)

tp yaaa..

ga ada org yang mao dibohongi apalagi dikhianati kan?! (such a silly quest)

bangun pagi2 gini, gw langsung kepikiran ama pikiran gw semalem (ribet banget bahasanya :D)

"pokoknya gw harus ngomong! gw harus nanya!" dats wad i thougth last nite.

HARUS!

mungkin bener kali y, gw ni terlalu lembek.

gw selalu berusaha ngejaga 'sikon' yang ada (nb: sikon yg menyenangkan yaaa..) supaya tetep seperti itu.

gw selalu ngehindar dari apa aja yg bisa bikin sikon itu jadi keruh (ato makin keruh..hoho).

walopun gw sendiri tau..itu bakal balik nyakitin gw (agak lebai ssi kl nyakitin, maksudnya..itu bakal balik bikin gw gga nyaman..)

aneh kan ?

haaaaaahh~

jadi pengen..

sekedar mencurahkan isi hati *actually yg bener tuh 'curpik' a.k.a mencurahkan isi pikiran. kayak kata dr. Syafrudin. halah ! apa coba ?!*

liat temen ultah.

dkasi surprise ama temen ato pacarnya.

yg dateng jam 12 teng lah. yang dkasi bunga lah. yang dceburin ke kolam lah. yang ddatengin ke rumah lah. dan "yang...yang" lainnya..

jadi pengen dehh. huhu..

bukannya gga bersyukur dgn ap yg udh ada. tp sekedar berkeinginan gak salah kan ? *heww..ngeles~*

tp gw nya juga bukan tipe org yg ekspresif sih.

ga tau napa, rasanya agk segan nunjukkin perasaan dengan bikin2 surprise gitu.

padahal dalem hati, SUMPAH gw pengen banget !!!

but, there's something (and definitely, i dunno wad is) that makes me barely do it.

haaaah !

apa karna masa kecil gw ya ?

masa kecil yg jauh dr orang2 yg gw sayang.

masa kecil yg, secara gak langsung, maksa gw buat solve everything by myself.

masa kecil yg bkin gw ngerasa terbuang.

masa kecil yg bkin gw jd org yg ga pernah terbuka sama siapa pun.

parents, siblings, friends; none of them love me enough, or at least care enough, to climb over my wall.

except one person.

yeah. one person !

hari 'apa' ini ?

haaaaaah ! pengen teriaaak ! ugh.

hari ini. minggu. 11 januari 2009.

di rumah. beres-beres. sendirian.

bahkan sms ato telpon pun kagak ada yang nangkring di hape gw.

hoooh.

eniweii..

hun, kamu kemana ? ko ga ada kabar yaaa ?

everybody LIES.

abis ngobrol brg sohib gw kmren..br kepikir.

why don’t i ask about it ?

actually i wanted to ask. but may i prefer to wait to be told first ?

huh.

i felt like i was fooled. whom i mean ? doesn’t have to tell you, i think >:P

at least, TALK to me !

i won’t be angry. was it too awkward to be told ? damn it !

become confused. how should i react when i hear it ?

guess what i do ?

im freeze ! yeah, i did it. cuz i actually don’t know what to to.

it made me feel a lil ‘un-admitted’. hell yeah ! what a f*ck !

and yeah.

now i feel a little upset. definitely not caused by ‘it’, but by “doesn’t-tell-me-thing”.

kinda lil’ unimportant thing to be upset for. but it barely did.

and yeah, it sucks.

i wrote the title of this “EVERYBODY LIES”.

actually, he didn’t lie on me. he just didn’t and never gonna tell me !